you'll haunt me till the day i die. and to the below, don't you wish.

"in one fell swoop it became clear to me,
that i despise you entirely,
but the good news is i'm gonna keep you around
and so your lust is just convenient now

crack open a bottle of red
let's toast to this here bed
offer up your hand
my one night, two month, three year stand

i'm on my knees,
but so are you
unfortunately for the wrong reasons
i keep incessantly believing that you're pure,
but you know it's not true"

-

i miss love. i miss lust. i miss passion. i miss emotion. i miss skin on skin. i miss being comfortable. i miss long talks. i miss singing. i miss surprises. i miss the sun. i miss free time. i miss water parks. i miss slurpees. i miss green. i miss collar bones. i miss ink. i miss my nintendo 64. i miss having an attention span of 2min+. i miss piercings. i miss scissors. i miss film. i miss orange lipstick. i miss le chat. i miss coconut body butter. i miss my ghetto phone. i miss curling. i miss your guitar. 

i've spent most of my time indoors. i miss the sun, i miss smiling. i've been working full time, trying to save money for school. also for paris this coming nye. a week in france, my god. i hope my mother lets me go, i'll be 18. i don't feel social, i only really open my mouth to sing or hum. or say "would you like me to..?" "yeah i'll get right on that" "yes of course". i'm loving it. i want school to start, right now. i'm not valued. i want to become something, someone. i need school. i need to start taking better care of myself. i'm depressed, but i'm not allowed to be.
green fill my head, haze my eyes. miss you. hate you. need you.

i feel the need to feed the fish at the top of my page. i do it every day. i don't even blog every day. if you've ever on my page, please please please, click the water to feed my fish. i think they have souls and personalities too. it kills me every time i need to turn off my computer. its okay its okay, they're just sleeping. deep breaths. i care too much about pretend animals. i need help. don't let that stop you from feeding my fish. i'll love you forever.

i'm loving the freedom. the late nights, laughs, city lights that shine so bright, painting, long drives, walking along the beach at night, photos, vlogs, big books, chapstick, crepes, body mods, singing, inked skin. i'm living. you lose a few, you gain a few. 'say all i need is the air i breathe and a place to rest my head'. just prayin that i'll make it in your eyes, i wouldn't want to disappoint again. 'do you think you could find it better than you had it?' i doubt it. waiting for mom to come home from work. i love my parents, i'm blessed. i'm going to cut my hair tonight, probably, maybe, yeah. so many things going on every night, but tonight, i think i'll stay home. touch base. shower for the second time, straighten my hair, chop it. i need change. well, it isn't change when you're going back to what you had.

It's over.

All our lives we have people telling us what to do and I hated it. I wanted independence, choice, responsibility. I take it all back. I don't miss high school but I'm not fond of this. This constant wondering "Okay, now what?" They really didn't prepare us for this. You go from being someone to being no one. You lose touch with friends. You're not obligated to see certain people because you wont have to communicate with them next time you see them. You say no more often. Work consumes you. Nothing is steady. Relationships crumble, people change, friends cling. Bills to pay, due dates to worry about. Classes to wait for. I'm not happy. I thought I'd be happy after high school but I'm miserable. Not because I miss it, but because I don't like this. I want excitement, I want positive change. Happiness is temporary, headaches are a constant. This isn't the life I want to live. I need an escape.