Wednesday, February 17, 2010

We've got to make a decision, we leave tonight or live and die this way.

Goodmorning Goodmorning GOODMORNING!

I'm loving Olympic break so much! I get to sleep in and I'm not living on 4 hours of sleep like I usually am. I feel less productive though. The only thing that sucks about Olympic break is that I see people in the house more. I mean don't get me wrong, I love you guys, but the more I'm around the more we bicker. Maybe that's just me being a teenager and wanting to be out experiencing life instead of stuck at home doing chores all day. My parents left for work, no note. I have no idea what to do today till they get off of work so I guess I'll go to the mall with Tatiana and Amanda and look for a dress for Zach/Cayanne/Mike's birthday party. The next few days are going to be packed. Tomorrow I have work in the morning and then Colettes Hobbit-thon in the evening. I'm pretty hyped to eat hobbit food. Friday I'm going downtown and to Deadmau5. Saturday I'm seeing people from the island and I haven't seen them since I was 3 so that should be awkward. My mom told me that we're spending time with them from morning till night. Well firstly they're not my friends and they have 2 teenage boys and the oldest is around 15 I believe. I'm sure it'll be fun for Amanda. I'm expected to be the chatty golden daughter. "Oh hey I don't remember you but you remember me! How are you? How was the ferry ride over? Yup, I go to private school. Or my mom told you I want to become a lawyer? Yes yes I really am looking forward to life after high school." And i'll be thinking *Yeah, if my mother allows me out of the house more I will be* I mean I don't think it's her fault, its Amanda's. Well, sorry Amanda. I usually have to stay home because Amanda needs to be babysat. I mean, you're in grade 8! Don't you have all these friends you want to hang out with?! 

All my close friends are moving out, but not just moving out, moving across the world to find themselves. How I wish I had the courage to do that, and the money. I use to mention taking a year off to my parents and their eyes bulged out of their heads. "We didn't waste all that money towards private school for you to take a year off. You need to get your schooling done asap so you can get on with your career. Your break is retirement" Well, what if I don't just want one break when I'm old and wrinkly and ready to die.  Maybe I'm scared of becoming a lawyer. It'll take me longer than it will the others who are trying. Perhaps I should settle for becoming a legal secretary. My brain isn't cut out for becoming a lawyer. I'm too everywhere, I'm not able to focus and it isn't even my fault. I try so hard in school to focus and understand what they're teaching but the words on the page end up dancing, their voice becomes a murmur and then I'm overwhelmed so I put my head on my desk to collect myself and I fall asleep. What's wrong with me? Other times I'm passionate about the subject being taught, like in Law class or Comparing Civilizations. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm hopeless. I've been looking forward to graduating since the first moment I stepped foot at my school, and now? I'm frightened. I know I'm ready for the 'real world' because it's the only world I've lived in unlike the other teenagers I know and go to school with. But at the same time I keep thinking I'm not. There's something missing, something I haven't learned yet that will help me after high school. I have yet to figure it out. So I wont take a year off, I'll take my classes and try to find spare time between going to school full time and working full time to enjoy my 'prime' years in life. Early 20's are such glamorous ages. You're young, attractive, getting your career on the go, moving out, becoming independent. You're also stressed, new at everything, irresponsible and use to your mother doing your laundry (well that wont be a problem for me considering it's all I've been doing lately). I have a plan and a goal but life happens and I know long term goals are shifted and changed a little, so I guess what I'll do is take my classes and focus on my classes, not on becoming a lawyer. Do well in school and see where it gets me and what opportunities arrive my way. I guess I just need to take things one step and a time and do my best. Not just in my studies but in all aspects of life.

I need a new job. I'm no longer comfortable. How can one no longer be comfortable working at a place they're worked for a year and a half. Easy. Everyone quit and I'm left. I'm done with retail, I need an office job or a receptionist job at a salon or somewhere. I don't know how teenagers don't have jobs, that's the first thing I did when I turned 16. Freedom! Independence! Money to call my own and do what I want with! I'm not getting enough hours in, too many new people. My pay stubs are pathetic. I have bills to pay! It's hard balancing school and work but I think I'm doing an okay job. And to the kids who just have to focus in school and get paid money for doing that and have a savings account for after high school that your parents make when you were younger.. I hate you.

Whoever has read this far, excuse the mistakes in my punctuation. I'm starving, it's too hot in my room and Google Chrome is being unreasonable. I better jump into the shower and yell at my sister to stop watching t.v and get ready. She makes me late for everything! is it necessary to wear all the makeup you own every day? I  haven't worn makeup for the past few days, it feels good... until you look in a mirror.

"Beauty can only remain when beauty beholds itself. Don't wait for someone else to find you beautiful to feel beautiful. Behold yourself! Behold your own beauty!"
- Chris Crocker


  1. Graduating is so exciting, life after highschool is truly just so much better. You can always travel and go to school at the same time, look for exchanges at your school or just travel during christmas breaks.

    Taking a year off might be good though, cause who really knows what they want to do for the next 40 years of their life right?

  2. Thanks for the advice! Also, thanks for reading!
    Yeah I think I'll travel during my breaks or not take a huge course load.
    Thanks again!